fear of the dark

How to help your child to cope with nightmares

We share our top tips to help your child cope with nightmares and worries…

What is a nightmare?

As most of us will remember, common themes are being chased by a monster or animal, being lost or being stuck somewhere you can’t escape from. While the subjects are extreme and frightening at the time, nightmares are perfectly normal reactions to the stresses and strains of growing up and are often caused by a healthy development of the imagination. However they can also be triggered during particularly stressful times in a young person’s life and involve worries about family members. In older children they are often associated with perceived imminent danger or harm.
Nightmares are very common in children between the ages of 6 and 10 years, but both younger and older children also experience nightmares. About a quarter of children have at least one nightmare a week.
Nightmares occur in Rapid Eye Movement sleep (REM) or ‘dreaming’ sleep. So they usually happen in the second half of the night towards the morning, when REM sleep becomes more frequent.

If your child is having a nightmare give them comfort and reassurance

Your child is quite likely to call out or come to you in some distress following a nightmare. The best thing to do is to comfort and reassure your child, letting them know they are safe and secure. Once they are calm and happy they will usually go back to sleep.
It is important to remember that under the age of four to five, children cannot tell the difference between a dream and reality, so it is particularly important to give them reassuring cuddles and comfort, rather than explaining the nightmare away at this time.
If your child has recurrent nightmares about the same thing, try talking through this the next day and help them think up a happy endings. This can help to defuse the power of the nightmare and the hold its repetition may have on your child. If there is a reoccurring monster theme make the monster into a character of fun. During the day draw silly monster pictures with your child and make up silly monster songs: you could also set up a dream catcher in their bedroom to catch bad dreams.

Identify the cause of your child’s nightmare

Talk to your child to help identify what might be the cause of their nightmare. It is best to do this during the day well away from bedtime. Discussing your child’s worries just as they are going to bed could trigger worries or scary thoughts and prevent them going to sleep. Instead have 10 to 15 minutes of undisturbed 1 to 1 time with your child earlier in the day, that you set aside especially to discuss their concerns.
After you’ve said goodnight consider using a relaxation and breathing technique or a simple hand or foot massage to help relax your child at bedtime.

Is your child having enough sleep?

Children who don’t have enough sleep are more likely to have nightmares. Helping your child to have more sleep, could reduce the frequency of their nightmares.

I don’t want you to leave!

If your child gets anxious about you leaving at bedtime, explain that you will regularly check in on them. Return after only 2 to 5 minutes and from the doorway, briefly reassure your child. Keep repeating this until they go to sleep or is happy for you leave.

A friendly bedtime toy

Having a security object in bed overnight such as a special cuddly toy can help your child feel more relaxed and happy at bedtime and throughout the night.

Scary books and media

Vet all the books, TV programmes and media your child could be watching or over hearing. Many traditional bedtime stories feature wolves, witches and bears and your child may well be quietly listening to things that you are not aware of.

Fears of the dark

This problem is widespread among young children and starts when their imagination kicks in. Children do eventually grow out of this fear, but in the meantime it can make them reluctant to go to bed and can wake them at night.
Most children are reassured by the presence of a night light in their bedroom. Set up a dim amber or orange glow light in your child’s bedroom, this will not stop them sleeping but will help the room feel less scary.
Go into your child’s bedroom when it’s dark and with a child’s eye look around the bedroom to see if there is anything in the room that could look scary at night. A favourite cuddly toy in the day can turn into a scary monster in the dark.

Seek professional help

If your child is having regular severe nightmares you may need to discuss this with your GP.

It has been a worrying time for us all and it will be no surprise that your children, just like you may have been impacted by fears and worries that have stopped them sleeping. Parents have reported that their child finds it hard to go to sleep, wakes in the night seeking reassurance and that many are experiencing vivid and scary nightmares.

The figures speak for themselves; at Millpond we have seen a 30 % increase in the number of sleep inquiries for young peoples sleep. This trend has also been seen in adult sleep patterns. A recent survey, by The Sleep Council of more than 2,700 people’s sleep during COVID-19, found around half of the respondents (43%) were finding it harder to fall asleep, with unease around the current situation affecting sleep for three quarters of people (75%). Women being twice as likely as men to report feelings of stress.

Your young person will be very aware of the changes in both their and their family’s lives. They may hear or read the news, over- hear adult conversations and pick up on the general stress in the community about the impact of COVID 19. They may worry about the future and what this all means for them and their loved ones.

Often these fears only surface at bedtime, when the day is over and there are no distractions to divert their thoughts.

So how can you help your young person manage their sleep at this time…..well the good news is there are things you can do to help.

Anxiety/Worries and Sleep

Anxiety is a natural response to a stressful event. It was essential for survival when we lived in the wild. Our fight or flight mechanism helped us to run away from animals who wanted to eat us. But we now live in a modern world and have very little need for this response. The only problem is our bodies find it hard to differentiate between a real or a perceived danger; being worried or anxious at bedtime can trigger this stress response in our bodies, triggering our sympathetic nervous system.

Unsurprisingly if your body thinks you’re about to be chased by a tiger the last thing you will be able to do is sleep!

What causes worries or anxiety at bedtime?

There are numerous causes of anxiety in children that can impact negatively on their sleep. These include long term unresolved sleep issues, over thinking or over worrying, nightmares, fear of the dark and monsters, starting nursery or school, family breakdowns and bereavements.

Older school aged children who struggle to sleep are often perfectionists and academic high achievers. They find themselves in a vicious cycle where they worry about how lack of sleep will affect their work, which stops them falling asleep and in turn leads to negative thoughts or even fears about sleep itself.

A typical bedtime

Children with anxiety at bedtime usually struggle to fall asleep and can lie awake for hours. They often reappear numerous times in the evening with excuses such as being hungry, thirsty, too hot, to cold or needling the toilet. You take them back to bed, but in no time at all they are back with more excuses. This process happens night after night leading to cross and stressed parents and an even more anxious child; you all dread bedtime!

anxiety and sleep — Have a relaxing and calming bedtime

You eventually find yourself getting into your child’s bed just to get them to sleep and then in the night they wake and seek you out again to help them get back to sleep. The perfect recipe for a tired and stressed family!

Have a stress free bedtime that helps your child sleep well

Start the bedtime routine:

About an hour before your child goes to sleep have quiet time. Tidy away the toys and turn off all screens. Research has shown light from computers, IPads etc. can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin.

“Talking time”

This is the time to set aside 10 to 15 minutes of one-to-one time with your child. Ensure you put your phone away and make sure you have nothing else you need to do at this point so you can give your child your undivided attention. At Millpond we often call this “Talking Time”.

This will give your child the space to discuss any worries or fears they may have and just as importantly means they are less likely to need to bring them up just before you say goodnight.

If your child doesn’t have anything specific they wish to discuss, as an alternative you could help set a positive tone by discussing 3 positive things about that day. If possible try and find new things each evening. Your child may like to write them in a note pad that you keep just for bedtime.

Get your routine right so your child settles to sleep calmly and happily.

Initially focus the bedtime routine around the time your child naturally falls asleep; even if this seems late.

For example if your child usually falls asleep at 10.00 pm start your routine at 9.15 pm. This way you are allowing 30 minutes for the routine and 15 minutes for them to fall asleep.

Carry out the same series of steps every night – make this routine your bedtime ritual. Having a regular routine means your child’s body will start to prepare for sleep as soon as you start this process.

If your child is falling asleep well in 15 minutes, after a few nights, start your bedtime routine 15 minutes earlier. Repeat this pattern, slowly advancing the start time of your routine until you reach the time that works best for your child.

Have a warm relaxing bath.

Have a warm, relaxing bath lasting no longer than 10 minutes. Keeping the bath to a maximum of 10 minutes means bath time doesn’t become a stimulating play time. The added bonus is coming out of the warm water allows the body to cool quickly triggering the sleep hormone melatonin.

Then go straight into your child’s bedroom; going back into the living area at this time will lose the focus and magic of the routine.

Dim the lights.

Pre-dim the lights in their bedroom, as this will also help with melatonin production. If your child is scared of the dark and requests you leave a light on it’s best to have one the emits a warm amber or orange glow. Turn it on at bedtime and leave it on all night. The warm low level light will not interfere with their sleep and will offer then the reassurance they need.

Dress for bed.

Have their night clothes ready for their return from the bathroom so they can quickly get dressed and climb into bed.

It’s time for a story.

Even if your child can read to themselves, read a quiet almost boring story and have a cuddle and kiss goodnight then tuck them in with their favourite soft toy so they are warm and cosy.

Now that they’re drowsy, leave the bedroom so that they learn to fall asleep independently.

I want you to stay.

Your child may only be able to fall asleep happily if you stay with them. If this is the case you can help build your child’s confidence in falling asleep independently by implementing a slow gradual retreat programme at bedtime.

If you are currently sitting by the side of your child’s bed as they go to sleep, start by sitting just a little further away. Reassure them you will wait for them to be fully asleep before you leave their bedroom. After 3 to 4 nights, move just a little further away from their bedside; you may only move a foot at a time. Keep repeating this process very slowly moving in small incremental steps until you are out of their room and then along the landing as they go to sleep. This process should take about two weeks to achieve.

Mandy Gurney is the founder of Millpond Children’s Sleep Clinic and has been advising on baby, toddler and school aged child sleep issues for nearly 30 years. She is a qualified nurse, midwife and health visitor.

How to help your child with nightmares