What causes worries or anxiety at bedtime?

21st February 2025 0 Comments

What causes worries or anxiety at bedtime?

There are numerous causes of anxiety in children that can impact negatively on their sleep. These include long-term unresolved sleep issues, overthinking or over-worrying, experiencing vivid and scary nightmares, fear of the dark and monsters, starting nursery or school, and “Life-Quakes” such as family breakdowns, illness and bereavement.

Older school-aged children who struggle to sleep are often perfectionists and academic high achievers. They find themselves in a vicious cycle where they worry about how lack of sleep will affect their work, which stops them from falling asleep and in turn leads to negative thoughts or even fears about sleep itself.

Children with autism and ADHD may have more bedtime anxieties than their peers; bedtime can be particularly challenging for children with ADHD who often have difficulties quietening their racing minds.

A typical bedtime for a child with sleep anxiety

Children with anxiety at bedtime often struggle to fall asleep and can lie awake for hours. They can reappear numerous times in the evening with excuses such as being hungry, thirsty, too hot, too cold or needling the toilet. You take them back to bed, but in no time at all, they are back with more excuses. This process happens night after night leading to cross and stressed parents and an even more anxious child; you all dread bedtime!

You eventually find yourself getting into your child’s bed just to get them to sleep and then in the night they wake and seek you out again to help them get back to sleep. The perfect recipe for a tired and stressed family!

parent in child's bed as anxious and can't sleep

Have a stress-free bedtime that helps your child sleep well

Starting your child’s bedtime routine

About an hour before your child goes to sleep have quiet time. Tidy away the toys and turn off all screens. Research has shown light from computers, iPads etc. can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin.

“Talking time”

This is the time to set aside 10 to 15 minutes of one-on-one calming and quiet time with your child. Ensure you put your phone away and make sure you have nothing else you need to do at this point so you can give your child your undivided attention. At Millpond we often call this “Talking Time”.
This will give your child the space to discuss any worries or fears they may have and just as importantly means they are less likely to need to bring them up just before you say goodnight.
If your child doesn’t have anything specific they wish to discuss, as an alternative you could help set a positive tone by discussing 3 positive things about that day. If possible try and find new things each evening. Your child may like to write them in a notepad that you keep just for bedtime.

Get your routine right so your child settles to sleep calmly and happily.

Initially focus the bedtime routine around the time your child naturally falls asleep; even if this seems late.
For example, if your child usually falls asleep at 10.00 pm start your routine at 9.15 pm. This way you are allowing 30 minutes for the routine and 15 minutes for them to fall asleep.
Carry out the same steps every night – make this routine your bedtime routine. Having a routine means your child’s body will start to prepare for sleep as soon as you start this process.
If your child is falling asleep well in 15 minutes, after a few nights, start your bedtime routine 15 minutes earlier. Repeat this pattern, slowly advancing the start time of your routine until you reach the time that works best for your child.

Have a warm relaxing bath.

Have a warm, relaxing bath lasting no longer than 10 minutes. Keeping the bath to a maximum of 10 minutes means bath time doesn’t become a stimulating playtime. The bonus is coming out of the warm water allows the body to cool quickly triggering the sleep hormone melatonin.
Then go straight into your child’s bedroom; going back into the living area at this time will lose the focus and magic of the routine.

Dim the lights.

Pre-dim the lights in their bedroom, as this will also help with melatonin production. If your child is scared of the dark and requests you leave a light on it’s best to have one that emits a warm amber or orange glow. Turn it on at bedtime and leave it on all night. The warm low-level light will not interfere with their sleep and will offer them the reassurance they need.

Dress for bed.

Have their night clothes ready for their return from the bathroom so they can quickly get dressed and climb into bed.

It’s time for a bedtime story.

Even if your child can read to themselves, read a quiet calming story and have a cuddle and kiss goodnight then tuck them in with their favourite soft toy so they are warm and cosy.
Now that they’re drowsy, leave the bedroom so that they learn to fall asleep independently.

Your child wants you to stay with them while they go to sleep.

Your child may only be able to fall asleep happily if you stay with them. If this is the case you can help build your child’s confidence in falling asleep independently by implementing a slow gradual retreat programme at bedtime.
If you are currently sitting by the side of your child’s bed as they go to sleep, start by sitting just a little further away. Reassure them that you will wait for them to be fully asleep before you leave their bedroom. After 3 to 4 nights, move just a little further away from their bedside; you may only move a foot at a time.
Keep repeating this process very slowly moving in small incremental steps until you are out of their room and then along the landing as they go to sleep.
This process should take about two or three weeks to achieve.

anxious at bedtime

In my series of blogs, I will explore:

If your child’s sleep struggles are linked to anxiety, you’re not alone—many families face the same challenge. With the right support, your child can develop healthy sleep habits and feel more secure at night. We’ve helped hundreds of families navigate bedtime anxiety, and we’re here to help you too.

Please get in touch today to find out how we can support your child’s journey to better sleep

Written by Mandy Gurney February 2025

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