As much as we’d like to protect our children from difficult times, the loss of a pet or grandparent, divorce or separation often feature in their lives, exposing them to the effects of grief.
At these times parents often struggle in knowing how to manage the impact of these events on their children’s lives. Children’s expression of grief varies greatly depending on factors such as their age and understanding of a situation. For example, a toddler with limited understanding of death and little experience of separation may show signs of disturbed sleep. Other responses to loss in young children may lead to a change in eating habits, crying, regression to earlier behaviors such as bed wetting, tantrums, fighting and angry outbursts.
Whilst an older child of ten or eleven might also suffer from sleep disturbance, the impact of loss may lead to problems at school or withdrawal from friends and family. As children grow older the effects of loss may lead to worries about physical health, fear of dying, risk taking behaviors, or avoidance of difficult feelings.
Although it often feels easier to avoid talking about difficult issues, hiding information that children ask for can lead to confusion. Using the language that your child understands and the correct words for death instead of phrases such as “going to sleep” or “losing” someone will also avoid confusion. Accept your child’s responses and let them know that they are normal responses to sad events.
Check out any misunderstandings and areas of confusion. Children will often seem to dip in and out of grief, one minute seeming very sad and the next forging on with the ordinary tasks of daily life as though nothing has happened. This process provides the function of a safety valve, allowing your child to take a break from difficult emotions and so set their own pace in experiencing loss. As a parent this often feels difficult to manage. Offer opportunities for a cuddle and a chat when your child is experiencing strong emotions. Your child’s understanding of a loss or separation will shift and change over time so have more than one conversation about their experience.
Children like adults need to experience closure to a loss so involve your child in any routines such as hospital visits or rituals such as funerals, in whichever way is most comfortable for them.
As well as talking about their experience of loss help your child to express emotions privately through a dairy or art. Encourage them to collect keepsakes and maintain memories of someone special they may have lost.
Loss or separation are often a very sad experiences. Your child may also feel abandoned by the pet or person they have lost which can lead to feelings of anger that are often directed at you as a parent. Give your child the opportunity to express these emotions and let them see your sadness too. Modeling appropriate responses helps children feel safe in expressing their thoughts and feelings. You yourself may experience particularly strong and dramatic emotions at these times that may alarm your child, so seek to share these privately with another adult.
Whilst we know that most children seem to adjust emotionally and return to healthy functioning both at home and school within about twelve months of their loss or separation some find it very difficult in adjusting and are most at risk during this first year. Other children may have apparently moved on in their lives only to be confronted with their loss two or more years later at a time when they have more understanding or a different view of a difficult situation. If you feel that your child is struggling with their grief our team is here to help.
For children:
Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine By Diana Crossley
Always and Forever By Alan Durant
The Copper Tree By Hilary Robinson
For teenagers:
Urban Dreams Edited by Elias Thompson
Dr Sione Marshall CPsychol., AFBPsS.
Chartered Clinical Psychologist
*Grief and child sleep problems *Child Sleep Problems *Sleep Training *My child won’t sleep
Many parents find using a baby monitor very reassuring and when you decide to stop using one, is entirely down to personal choice. However, here are some facts and tips that may help you to decide:
Their two children, 3 ½ year old Thomas and 8 year old Jessica, both had sleep problems. Thomas has special needs and does not like change and Jessica’s sleep had been an issue since her brother was born. Jessica screamed in the night, often waking her brother who she shares a room with, until she was allowed into mum’s bed.
Before our consultation our children’s sleep patterns were up and down. Our 8 year old daughter fell asleep in our bed and wouldn’t fall asleep on her own. Our son fell asleep on his own but kept waking during the night. We were all exhausted.
After our consultation with Millpond, our daughter sleeps in her own bed. We’ve established a routine for her which now sees her sleeping in her bed. We’re still working on getting her to self settle but bedtimes are no longer a chore.
Our son has additional needs; he could fall asleep quickly but found it hard to sleep through the night without waking.
We now have an established pattern which sees him asleep within 10 minutes and 60% of the time he sleeps through the night. We are doing the gradual retreat method which has worked really well.
The programme Juliet devised worked really well and we were offered further support as we had to take a break because I became ill. The advice given was so beneficial and we’ve seen a huge improvement in our children’s sleep patterns.
There is nothing I would change. We thought the service was superb!
The clocks spring forward on 26th March 2017 and at last the official British Summer time begins. We can say goodbye to the cold dark winter. Although we lose an hour’s sleep the night the clocks change, the benefits of the longer brighter days ahead more than make up for it!
So what impact will this clock change have on our sleep and is there anything we can do in advance to help us move seamlessly into our new time zone? We will of course not be ready for sleep at our normal bedtime and lay in our beds for an hour unable to sleep. Then when the morning comes along we will be tried and groggy and not ready to get up and start the day for another whole hour. Some people’s body clocks can make the change quickly, but for others it is not so easy.
Be proactive: For about 2 weeks leading up to 26th March start putting your little ones to bed 15 minutes earlier.
Don’t rush: Move your child’s bedtime slowly, shifting the time every 3 to 4 days. The aim is to move their body clocks so they are falling asleep an hour earlier than before.
Changes to bedtime: Once you start to move the start time of your child’s bedtime routine, this will also change nap times and most importantly meal times too.
Time to wake up: Don’t forget to adjust your child’s wake up time. Wake your child 15 minutes earlier in the morning. This will help to regulate their body clock and keep your plan on course.
Give clear consistent signals to your child that bedtime is coming with a focused winding down bedtime routine that includes a short bath, a quiet story, a cuddle and then into bed.
Keep the bedroom darkened to help produce the sleep hormone melatonin and just use a small nightlight to help you prepare your child for bed.
Most of all, look forward to warmer weather, sunny days and lighter evenings.
All the sleep advice on Google was just not working for Rose; her baby was still waking every 2 hours.Rose was exhausted searching the internet for help on her son’s sleep problem; she felt she had tried everything to help her 7 month old son, Ben sleep better. He had regressed from waking twice a night at 3 months to waking every 2 hours at least as a 6 month old.
Rose felt she had read everything about sleep and tried several different sleep training techniques with Ben as described in books and on reputable internet sites with no success whatsoever. The sleep deprivation was having a huge impact upon family life and Rose couldn’t find a way to make it better, “we were losing confidence in being able to deal with Ben at night” and she started to worry that it might not just be a sleep problem.
Rose felt that she needed to find a sleep consultant with a medical background who would have the experience to tackle Ben’s frequent waking issue. “The website suggested that techniques used by Millpond were the most up to date and evidence based, and that Millpond trained NHS staff, so we would be getting help from reputable, highly qualified people”.
Rose started working on her consultant’s plan for Ben and she found her approach supportive and gentle; but most importantly she was able to assure Rose and tell her that Ben’s problem was not just behavioural, but medical. “Juliet was able to point us to where to get help and was very flexible about the timetable, to allow us to seek some medical help before continuing with the sleep training consultations”.
Rose is now delighted that Ben’s night waking has improved, and he has even slept through for several nights. Ben still has to see various consultants to get his tummy and skin issues under control, but Rose feels, “we feel more confident about identifying what he needs if he wakes at night and we know there is an end in sight”.
Clare’s family life was being affected by her daughter’s constant night waking…..read her story to see how she changed things around!
My daughter had never slept through the night; sometimes we could be disturbed up to 10 times. I used to dread bedtime knowing I would be woken up very soon after going to bed and then rarely get more than 2 hours sleep at a time. The nights were extremely stressful. She would cry out for me unless I shared the bed with her and even then she would be very restless all night. She was grumpy through the day and our work and home life suffered greatly. I was exhausted and depressed and unfortunately had no help from my GP.
After some investigations we discovered she had some breathing problems which a nasal steroid quickly corrected. She continued to wake frequently which is when I consulted Millpond Sleep Clinic. They were amazing and I finally felt like someone was listening to me. They gave me achievable tasks to do over 3 nights which Katie responded to very well. A combination of things helped her feel confident in staying in her room on her own and after 3 weeks we got a full night’s sleep. Six weeks later she now sleeps from 7:30pm to 6:30am at least 5 nights per week. She is now a happy little girl who is a pleasure to be with. She runs around the house singing and laughing rather than being grumpy. I can concentrate again at work and feel so much happier.
Archie was just over six months old when exhausted parents Helen and Benny realised that their son had a sleep problem and that it was not going to go away on it’s own.“He was waking up to seven times per night and needed help falling asleep every time. His daytime naps were also irregular. We had read several books and tried making changes to his sleep associations, all without success,” says Helen honestly.
The couple contacted Millpond after a recommendation from their health visitor. After their initial consultation with Millpond’s Mandy Gurney they were given a clear program that was tailored to Archie’s specific sleep problems.
“We started to see results after about a week. The second week in the program he was waking up a couple of times per night and after the third week he started sleeping through the night. We couldn’t have done it without Millpond,” says Helen.
We are so glad that Helen and Benny took action by contacting Millpond as soon as they realised their son had a sleep problem and that it was sorted completely after just three weeks.
Before using Millpond we were absolutely exhausted. My toddler Sam (18 months) was waking up 3 – 4 times most nights and often staying awake for more than an hour. Bedtimes were becoming very stressful and we were exhausted. Both of us work full time and it was extremely difficult to concentrate at work with often having only 3 or 4 hours sleep. The weekends involved sleeping in shifts to catch up, which meant no time as a family, which was really tough as that is the only time we get to spend with my two teenage stepsons. Sam was tired and grumpy a lot of the time, so even when we were all awake together he was often crying or overtired.
I felt that Juliet, our Millpond sleep consultant, took the time to listen to us and understand our situation and how we wanted to handle things. I didn’t feel that we were being forced to take actions we weren’t comfortable with. It all seemed to work quite naturally. I also liked the follow up calls and the fact that Juliet adapted the sleep plan a little as we went along to take into account our feedback.
After a month following the tailored sleep plan, Sam now sleeps from 7 pm through to 5.30 am almost every night. Bedtimes are now a pleasure rather than a battle and we have loads more energy for work and enjoying the weekends together as a family. Sam is much happier and really enjoying the new routine. His nursery nurse at nursery says he is like a different child, having much more fun and joining in games and songs with the other children.
What is really amazing is that we have done all this with very little crying. I had resisted sleep training in the past as I thought it would just involve leaving him to cry. Juliet’s method was very gentle and Sam cries and gets upset a lot less now than he did before we started this. I just wish we’d done it sooner!
“We can’t thank Millpond enough for all the support, advice and understanding they have shown us over the last few months.
Ben’s sleep problems were horrendous and at nearly two years he was waking up to 5 times a night and sometimes for up to 2.5 hours at a time.
We were desperate, but scared to try any form of sleep training for fear that we would fail and then have endured a lot of screaming for no result.
A colleague recommended Millpond and initially we were hesitant – was it going to involve leaving him to scream? Was it going to go against our parenting style? Was it unfair on him to change his routine so much? Was it going to be worth investing that much time and money? We also felt that Ben was incurable!! However, eventually we decided that it was worth a try – Ben’s behaviour was suffering due to his lack of sleep and we realised that the current situation was as unfair on him as it was on us.
Right from our first consultation with Mandy our sleep consultant, we knew we had made the right decision! She’d seen it all before and gave us confidence that Ben’s sleep would improve. The programme was SO unique to Ben and incredibly gradual and gentle on him and us. We didn’t want to do controlled crying and Mandy confirmed that, for Ben, this would not be the right approach.
Each step felt like the right thing to be doing and Ben responded positively from day one. It took some weeks to see an improvement in his sleep. However, we always felt that we were moving forward and never doubted that it would work. Within a couple of weeks we were no longer picking him up out of the cot and rocking him for hours on end…things were slowly beginning to improve. Mandy was so patient and kind and gave us the confidence to stick to the new regime to the letter. As a result as the weeks went by we began to see an improvement to his night time waking. Now Ben asks to go in his cot at night!! He settles himself and chats away happily when he goes to sleep at night and when he wakes in the morning. We can’t believe that we have a child who ‘sleeps through the night’!!
We would highly recommend Millpond to anyone who is suffering from lack of sleep. The change to my work/life balanc, and to Ben’s life has been unbelievable. We only wish we had contacted Mandy sooner!! We cannot thank and recommend Millpond highly enough.” Sarah
